Daily Mom Hug | You Deserve Happy
And you are not responsible for other people's happiness
Good morning, fam!
Did you read the subtitle and think, “What’s she talking about? I am absolutely responsible. What I do directly impacts other people’s happiness!”
I totally get what you’re saying, but here me out.
You are not responsible for other people’s happiness at the expense of your own.
Just sit with that for a minute.
“But, Mom, if I’m taking care of me, other people will be upset.”
Oh, I get that, but let’s break it down, shall we?
Hello, Old Soul
When you were growing up, were you told that you were an ‘old soul’ or ‘mature for your age’? Were you told that you were an empath and knew things about situations that other people missed?
Was that because you had to be an adult when you should’ve been able to be a child?
When you grow up in a dysfunctional household, you learn quickly what triggers a negative reaction from the people who are supposed to love and nurture you. We mold ourselves into the smallest, quietest versions (shadows) of our authentic selves, because that is safer.
When you grow up in a dysfunctional household, you are hyperaware of the little signs of impending abuse in all its forms. We’re not necessarily empaths in the traditional, paranormal sense. We just track the microaggressive changes, because they’re important to our actual survival. This is why some of us tense at an unexpected sigh from our partner, or know what it means when someone else says, “angrily washing dishes”.
When you grow up in a dysfunctional household, you trust no one and suspect everyone. And that includes yourself, because years of gaslighting and abuse have made you believe the lies that your family has hardwired into you from birth.
And here is where we circle back, folks.
First, let me remind you: Your happiness matters. Despite what they tell you, when you’re happy—authentically and unapologetically happy—that makes you a better person. You’re a better friend, a better adult child, a better partner and parent…whatever facet of you that you choose to keep, they’re all made better when you embrace the idea that you not only deserve to be happy, but that happiness matters. Your happiness matters.
Second, let’s look at the people who would be upset if you put you first. How do they treat you? Do they take advantage of you? Do they disparage you? Do they talk about you and your interests like you’re not standing in the same room and listening to them spew their miserable bullshit? Have they spent the breadth of your relationship forcing you to be a shadow, insisting that without them, you would be nothing?
I know, I know, this part can be scary, but you don’t need them. You, as an adult, get to choose who has access to your life, and that especially includes your family. No one gets a lifetime pass to open access. No one. That means when someone tells you, “but you only have one mom!”, you remind them that life is far too brief to put up with someone who makes you miserable simply because they are miserable with their life.
Their happiness, their faux happiness, no longer demands your presence or your input to simply keep the peace. You are not a doormat. You are allowed to say, “no more”.
You, my wonderful child, are worthy of happiness. True happiness, in whatever healthy-for you way that is meant to be.
And I’m here to remind you every time you forget.